I walked alone to the beach as the early morning sun was climbing above the sea. I felt the warmth of the sun warming my face (as the wind cooled my back). The beauty of the light on the water; the stillness and calm of the sea; the realisation and sinking in of the feelings and turmoil; the sheer space...and the tears came. I find that tears have a way of their own of working their way out, they don’t go away, they’ll come, and here they were taking me by surprise.
I am still living this story but also sharing it too. I would never have done this (blog) before, putting myself out there and allowing myself to feel this vulnerable. Oh the criticism I’ll open myself up to, I’ll look a fool, nobody wants to hear from me...! I’m moving on from that. Here I am, unashamedly me. Taking up the space of who I really am and sharing it with the world in the hope that it may resonate and provide connection and support (even if only to one person reading this, hello and welcome!).
I was planning to go back to work - it was all in the plan! School restarted for the autumn and I restarted too. I had a follow-up consultation with my neurosurgeon as well, and as time progressed, I was feeling physically and mentally overwhelmed. I realised much more speedily than I would have before and I really listened to what my body was telling me. So, I’m not ready to go back to work...just yet. It’s hard. There is a disconnect between what my mind would like and what my body can do. I keep telling myself I’ll get there and that this time will pass but it is taking so much longer than I want it too! I am learning though that it is the gap (often a chasm!) between reality and how you would like it to be, that can cause you the most suffering. So I am facing reality and have been working out how to sit with the discomfort of that and be ok with it. It’s been a challenge!
Being a recovering people pleaser, I have also been dealing with the feelings of worry of what other people will think of me, that I am letting them down, ‘they’ will think I should be better by now, she’s “swinging the lead”... why she’s not back at work already?! It’s been a daily, and almost minutely practice at times, working on these feelings and dealing with them in the most positive way I can whilst holding my own hand and being kind to myself.
So there were the tears, they came at the end of another tricky chapter. Crying for what won’t be and what may be to come. A new phase in my recovery begins. I am going to take the advice from Socrates in ‘The Way of the Peaceful Warrior’ “the secret of change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” Right, I’m off to start building.
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